ODE TO A NURSE.
You believe that every patient needs TLC: Temazepam, Lorazepam and Clonazepam.
You would like to meet the inventor of the nurse buzzer system- some night- in a dark alley.
You believe not all patient's are annoying- some are unconscious.
Your sense of humour gets more warped each year.
Your kids get their presents in TED stockings and hospital pillowcases, and their presents are secured with micropore tape.
You know the phone number of every late night food delivery place by heart.
Almost everything can seem funny- eventually.
When asked by the doctor what colour the patient's diarrhoea is, you show them your shoes. If it missed your shoes, you use the well known "poo curry colour scale"- ranging from chicken korma to spinach vindaloo.
You can identify different causes of diarrhoea by the smell of it.
Everytime you walk you make a jingling noise because of all the keys, scissors and clamps in your pocket.
You can tell the pharmacist more about the medication they are dispensing than they know.
You use bladder lavage bags to drip water onto your plants when you're on holiday.
You refuse to watch Casualty because it's too much like the real thing and it triggers flashbacks. Or your family refuses to let you watch Casualty because you spend the whole time correcting everyone and pointing out upside down x-rays.
You avoid answering the phone on your day off in case anyone from the hospital is trying to call and beg you to work.
You've been telling stories about work in a restaurant and made someone at another table throw up.
You notice that you are using even more 4 letter words than you did before you started nursing.
You've seriously considered catheterising your children before a long car journey.
Everytime someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least 4 of them on you. Most of them have the names of laxatives on them.
You don't get excited about blood- unless it's your own.
You live by the motto "To be right is only half the battle. To convince the doctor is more difficult".
You've blasted your christmas turkey with a 50ml syringe.
You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your co-worker- and to shout it if they need help.
Eating crisps out of a clean sick bowl is perfectly normal.
Your bladder can expand to the size of a water tank.
When checking the level of a patient's orientation, you aren't sure of the day yourself. Or, if nightshift, the month.
You find yourself checking out other customers veins in supermarket queues.
You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table on your dinner break and are not embarrassed when you wake up.
You avoid un-healthy looking people in the shopping centre for fear that they will drop dead near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
You throw a farewell buffet for a co-worker and use a bed sheet for a table-cloth and bed pans to hold the nacho's.
You often stay awake for 24+ hours at a time when you work nights and realise you don't need alcohol or drugs to hallucinate- just lack of sleep.
You pull over in a lay-by after working nights because you are too tired to drive home and wake up to someone knocking on your window thinking you've had a stroke because you're passed out in your car and are drooling.
Your finger has gone into places you never thought possible.
You've seen more penis' than any prostitute.
You've sworn to have "DO NOT RESUSCITATE" tattooed on your chest. Soon!!
If you are not a nurse and have been sent this by a friend who is, it's just to help you understand our mindset and questionable mental state!!
Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?? It took her 2 weeks to realise she wasn't at work!!