Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris doesn't do push ups. He pushes the world down.

When the Bogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris considers "Brokeback Mountain" to be the pile of dead ninjas in his back yard.

Chuck Norris is suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his right and left legs.

Chuck Norris does not go hunting, because the term "hunting" implies a probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

Some guys can piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

There is no chin under Chuck Norris's beard - there is only another fist.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He round house kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light, not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

The government was going to carve Chuck Norris' face into Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't hard enough.

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet when he pees.

Chuck Norris doesn't teabag people, he potato sacks them.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. EVER.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When you search Chuck Norris on Google and spell his name wrong, it doesn't say "did you mean Chuck Norris", it says "run while you have the chance".

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it actually affects the world economy.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Norris once visited the "Virgin Islands." They are now simply called "The Islands."

Chuck Norris is more than likely your biological father.

Switzerland isn't neutral, they're just waiting to see what side Chuck Norris is on.

When Chuck Norris falls in the water, he doesn't get 'wet'... the water gets 'Chuck Norris'.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land. This also includes concrete, asvahlt and solid rock.

Chuck Noris' tears are worth more than diamonds due to their rarity. One is still yet to be found.

The reason Chuck Norris is short is because G-D was afraid if he was tootall Chuck Norris could catch him.

Chuck Norris is bullet proof, they designed the material kevlar from his chest.